Jbb at Cabrillo National Monument. Thanks for all your help! |
It's very strange the zone I am in these days.
I feel a bit like a surge protector that has taken too many electrical jolts. You do know that the average surge suppressor only works for so long, right?
I imagine they are filled with a powder that takes the punishment of the jolt. Eventually, it gets all used up, and you are left with a power strip that still doles out electricity, yet for all intents, it ain't working.
I don't have a circle of friends around me. Ones that know and trust me to put them in the journal. So I feel like I have been flying solo. One of the reasons I have switched to the every other week format. I have been doing "things" just not a lot that I can share with you..well, at least not without feeling like I need a Model Release form from everyone. I don't even bring my camera, cuz I won't be using the photos.
Hence the title of this journal. Time to turn cannibal. When not a lot going on, I guess I always turn inwards.
My weirdest behavior is Nothing. I come home and I am tired. It's not like I work very hard, but somehow it takes all my energy.. I'm not being pummeled left and right with "help me" requests. So I have no excuse.
Not on a creative or a photography basis. Still lots of energy there. Just none for "dealing".
Mostly it's all the things that took so much of my attention back in Austin. I can't seem to get any energy up to deal with the things happening in Austin. People call with tech support problems. The bat place calls with some little detail that I need to pass on. Friends in Austin call, and I don't answer nor return calls. Same with email. I get a stack of about 150 emails by the end of the week, and I just don't answer them. Phone calls come in, and I let them roll into voice mail.
"Not now, I'm busy doing nothing."
So I am weirded out cuz I have plenty of time to do these things. But I just don't do them. My arms are leaden and they can't make it to the keyboard or phone.
It's like I just want to drift away, and let those things in Austin go.
The house in Austin continues to be a thorn in my thoughts. I just made two mortgage payments, and it was A LOT of money. At this rate I will eat through my retirement quickly.
I've got tenants, but one will be leaving soon, and the other one is having financial challenges. I have some buddies that might want to move in March, renting the whole place out. But the timing is not good. Dispossessing my friends is not something I can do. I would rather pay the money. They're my friends.
So, I choose to do nothing. Waiting. Something is bound to happen. I got to put a deadline on it. Maybe March. Maybe April. Maybe June.
Should I rent the house out? Wait for more money to come in to help pay for the mortgage? Or just sell the house and be done with it. None of the solutions protect my friends. None of them will make everyone happy.
So I wait and just not think about until I have to make the next month's mortgage payments.
Anyway, as I was saying.
I come home, and I just don't do the things I usually do. Namely. Work. Sure I have been working on the house a lot lately. Moving and getting setup has taken a lot of time. But I have more free time, and I should have lots of time to work on various projects.
Instead I watch Farscape. I finally got a hold of all fours seasons. Very excited by this.
The SciFi channel carried this awesome show for four seasons, including a special movie called the Peacekeepers War. Put out my Jim Henson Studios and produced in Australia, the show really is high high drama. Space opera drama at that. It's got lots of dying, reviving, sickness, reviving, personal conflict, and you guessed it, more reviving.
The star of the show. Ben Browder, has got to be one of the most handsome men on the planet. His ice blue eyes alone puts him in the top 100. The show is about how his character, John Crichton, shoots his research spaceship through a wormhole, ending up a bazillion light years from earth, amongst strange alien cultures.
Like any soap opera, you need to watch all the episodes in order. I never did see very many Farscape episodes because of this. But I liked the few episodes I did see.
I've been watching a couple episodes each evening. I try to sit at my computer and get some work done, but I dilly dally and lose whole 15 minute segments while watching the engaging plot. And no commercial breaks to get me back in the Work Zone.
Maybe I have slipped into a wormhole and I'm in a strange new universe where I'm not myself either.
The big question. Am I happy? I don't know. I know getting myself into a house and having a yard for Kitty! makes me happy.
There are a lot of cool things about the house that make me happy.
It's right under some beautiful mountains that I can hike and bike on.
The house is smaller, but well, it's a lot easier to take care of. That's nice.
It's very quiet.
Ohhhhhh…And believe it or not the absolute closest restaurant to my house is a Wendy's! No joke! Walgreen's just opened up across the street, so I can go grocery shopping too..hehe.
I like my skylight in the bedroom. Awesome at night when the moon is right above. Have fallen asleep on many nights staring at the stars.
But am I Happy? Happy happy? I don't know. I feel like I have been just jumping through all the right hoops to just make things Happen. Many things are making me happy, just feel like something is missing.
And god, don't write me that I need a boyfriend. ~shudder~ I don't want one. Period. I LOVE being on my own. I'm not responsible for anyone else's happiness, and frankly, I'm apparently not good at it.
Not sure why a few feel that coupledom is the answer to life's woes, but when I get those letters, I can't help but feel they have been totally brain washed with the "You Must be a Couple to Be Happy" thing. It's like every Madison Avenue advert telling them they have to be slender and in a monogamous marriage saturated their very soul.
I want to do things on my own. It's not what is missing.
Maybe it's a circle of friends to rely on. I don't know, I love Austin so much, and can't put my finger on why. It's not especially pretty. The weather can be down right hot. I just think I haven't had that "Ah Ha" moment here. It's coming along, but its taking more time to feel like I belong here.
Hmmmm..that's pretty close to the truth. Don't feel like I belong here yet.
Ok, enough internal crap.
External stuff.
Eating Right
Anyone who knows me, knows I hate it when someone cooks in the house. It stinks up the place, and when I have models over, I feel like they are coming into a cafeteria.
With Wendy's so close, it's too easy to just go over there and get something to eat.
I got a cheap gas grill. Man oh man, they make some nice ones these days. The nice ones start at about 250 bucks. Those all seemed way big for a single guy, so I found one that was smaller, yet big enough if I entertained I wouldn't have to assembly line the food.
So far I have cooked on it three times, which has got to be a record for me. I finally figured out the secret of cooking for one person…duh…just cook ALL the meat you got and save it for 2 or 3 leftovers. I don't know why I always tried to just cook enough for one sitting, but this really makes life easier.
I have been eating right. Lots of fruits, chicken breasts, and low fat meat. Salad on the side. I'm not starving in San Diego, that's for sure.
Men of SC
SeanCody.com images have helped a teeny bit. But not really going like gangbusters as I had hoped. Still trying to find ways to spread the word. I harangued my web host into setting up a CCBill referral program. (Thanks Guys!) I am hoping that will help encourage people to post some advertising for me. They actually get paid for every membership that comes in.
Videos
Movies are still in stasis. But, I have figured out how to deploy them. I am just waiting on my host to make the space and get a final ok from CCBill. It's an indelicate solution, but I really need to get these off the shelf.
I am running out of models too.
Model Inventory
I had plenty of models stacked up. Up to April, which is fast approaching. I have had a couple good shoots. But the models aren't coming in like they did in Austin. Well, I haven't really been looking that hard.
I did take an advert out on Craig's list and got a couple great responses.
I am still searching for African American models. I took an advert out specifically to find some.
I finally found one really nice looking guy on one of the cruising sites. We had two shoots, one non-nude, so he could get a feel for working with me, and another one that was nude. I have a shoot in two weeks with another African American guy.
Finally some progress on the diversity front.
Calendar and Cards
The Calendar appears to be going along. I finally saw the backside, so I saw all the prints they picked. Hmmmm…well, I can't figure out why they picked what they did, but they make a lot of calendars, and sell a lot of them, so I am just gonna trust their judgment, and keep my mouth closed. Honestly, it's was hard to find images that qualified, since it is a non-nude calendar- so many of my photos are nakies.
Studio Location
I did one shoot in one of the bedrooms where I had set my studio up. It was terrible. I couldn't get the lights far enough away, I couldn't get the model far enough away from me or the back drop.
I spent all day Friday cleaning the garage. Got the pressure washer out and everything. Though it really didn't improve the look of the 35 year old cement.
It's chilly in there in the mornings, and way warm in the afternoons. I might be able to getaway with not finishing it off, but it's pretty tacky. It is VERY embarrassing taking shots of models in a beat up old garage. I guess I feel like I got pass that stage, and now I am set back. So I may still try to quasi-finish it off so it's not so amateur.
I bought some cheap shelves that I can eventually put on the side of the house. But for now, they stay in the garage, and they really tidied up the place.
That's about it for the last couple weeks.
Next weekend my Mom is back in town to check out the new house, and the following weekend I have Chad the model from January flying in for another shoot.
Talk with ya soon.
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